To Go Where Almost None Have Gone Before
by celticfox
Summary: Star Trek meets Doctor Who meets Star Wars. How can the result be anything but absurd? Unashamed parody. My first Whoverse fanfic, please review! NOT YET DEAD! IT LIVES STILL!
1. Real Estate Agents

**I am most wholeheartedly glad I do not own Star Trek, Dr. Who, or Star Wars. Although it might be nice to be a millionare...**

**And don't get me wrong. I do enjoy Dr. Who. It's just really fun to make fun of. As for Star Trek, well...**_  
_

Chapter One: To Go Where Real Estate Agents Have Gone Before

_Captain's log, star date 0054: All seems clear. We've had several routine missions, and even one unroutine mission, and yet so far we haven't been attacked by any sort of weird higher life form whatsoever. I mean, really, what's up with that? We're supposed to be attacked every Saturday, or at the very least get involved in some back-stabbing political intrigue on a barbarian planet. I really ought to lodge a complaint. Ah well. In the meantime, the crew seems happy with going where many have gone before, and indeed where many live, and even where insurance companies and real estate agents have gone before, which is pretty damn depressing, I think. Well we shall just have to wait and see how things turn out..._

Captain Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise Z (they do go through those poor ships pretty fast, don't they?) stared morosely out the view port. No excitement these days. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd narrowly escaped an explosion. Super intelligent malignant aliens were clearly a thing of the past. Why, even the Borg had been pretty quiet lately.

Suddenly a button flashed and a voice said over the intercom, "Captain? We've got a situation down in the cargo bay, sir. It appears we have a stowaway. Request your presence immediately, sir."

"I'm on my way," Captain Picard replied. Finally, some bloody action! he thought as he teleported down to the cargo bay.

As soon as he had finished materializing, Picard quickly took in the situation with perfect professionalism. There was a large blue box in the middle of the cargo bay. Perhaps that wasn't so strange. It might be cargo. He didn't know what cargo was supposed to look like, after all.

There were also three people being restrained by several members of the crew and Data was supervising. The three people did look rather unusual, but in a universe where a new and even weirder species was being discovered every week, this wasn't that odd. At least they all appeared to be human. The leader seemed to be a tall young man with blond hair. He was wearing a long cream-colored coat and pinstripe pants, and he seemed to be extraordinarily relaxed and casual considering he was being handcuffed by a security officer. His companions were not quite so carefree. There was a curly-haired female wrestling for control of her abnormally large gun, another female with an aristocratic appearance who seemed to be alternating between haughtily demanding release and sobbing uncontrollably, and a third, a teenage boy, wearing gray clothes and a beige vest, with a gold star pinned to his breast pocket, who nervously looked to the blond man for guidance. They didn't seem much of a threat.

"Commander Data, report," Captain Picard commanded.

"Yes, sir," Data replied obediently. "We apprehended these stowaways attempting to hack into the ship's computer system." He glared in a rather human way at the blond man, who pasted an innocent look on his face and started whistling. "They were using this," he said, producing a small metal instrument. "I've never seen the like before, sir."

"Continue," Picard ordered.

"They were hiding in that box, sir," Data said, pointing to the blue object.

"Is it part of the cargo?" Picard asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Data asked in a most unrobotlike way. "Beats me why we even have a bloody cargo hold. It's not like we actually store anything in it. We're not exactly a merchant vessel."

"Ah, excuse me," the blond man interrupted. To Picard's surprise, he had an English accent. "That planet we're hovering above is about to blow up unless we help, so if we could please stop arguing and get on with it?..."

"Doctor, get these... these _peasants _off me!" the aristocratic woman cried.

"Doctor, make them give me my gun back!" the curly-haired woman whined.

"Doctor, get them to shut up!" the nervous teenage boy sulked.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor," the blond man said, shaking Picard's hand. "And who might I have the honor of addressing?"

"Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the U.S.S. Enterprise," Picard said. "Now sir, I'm afraid stowing away is a criminal offense-"

"Blast that!" the teenager said angrily. "Two billion people will die if we don't help them! Now are you going to help us or not?"

Captain Picard smiled sadly, unaware that it closely resembled a smirk. "I'm afraid we can't," he said. "We have a Prime Directive, which says we mustn't interfere in inter-planetary disputes. Sorry."

"But people will die!" the Doctor said in disbelief.

"Not my problem," said Picard. "Take them away."

Half a dozen security wo/men grabbed the three and started to take them away. But suddenly, there was a sound like a dying garbage truck, and right in front of their eyes, _another _blue box teleported into the hold!

A door on the side of the box opened, and out stepped a man with short black hair wearing a black vest. Behind him came a young woman with long blond hair.

The Doctor appeared horrified. "Oh no!" he cried. "You're- I'm- we're breaking the First Law of the Time Lords! Never appear to your past regeneration!"

" 'Ere, 'ow did you know it was me?" the black-vested man said in an even stronger English accent.

"Who else would be daft enough to go in the TARDIS?" the Doctor said, exasperated. "Now tell me what you're doing here."

"Well, you needed help," he replied. "An' also to tell you, when you get to be me, to ask young Rose 'ere to come with you- me- once you've finished wot you're doing." He smiled around at everyone, a sort of manic grin. "Hello, I'm the Doctor and this 'ere's my friend Rose," he said. "Who are you?"

"Wait, what?" Picard asked, seriously confused. Even his sterling intellect could not keep up with the rapid dialogue. "You're BOTH 'the Doctor'?"

"At different points in time, yes," said the manic one. "Your primitive little head wouldn't understand it. So, who are you? Captain Picard, am I right?"

"Do I know you, sir?" Picard asked stiffly.

"Nope, but you will soon!" he replied, laughing.

"Captain!" Commander Riker rushed into the hold. "There's a hostile ship approaching!"

"I must go to the bridge immediately!" Picard said, then he, Riker, and Data all teleported back to the bridge. The Doctor, the Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan, Rose, Adric, and the security team were left to mill about aimlessly. The blond Doctor took control of the situation by grabbing a security woman and demanding to know where this 'bridge' was. The unfortunate lady stammered out directions and the whole group ran off.

Upon arriving at the bridge, the blond Doctor was mildly surprised to see it did not look much like a bridge at all. Instead there were rows upon rows of mostly unnecessary lights and buttons, many of which seemed to serve no useful purpose. In the front of the room was a large view screen, and Picard was gazing out of it now. Approaching the Enterprise was a menacing vessel.

The blond Doctor tapped Picard on the shoulder. "I say," he asked, "how do you know it's a hostile ship?"

Picard looked annoyed at having been bothered. "Because of the menacing music, you moron!"

"Oh. I should have thought of that."

The enemy ship approached, looking more hostile and menacing with every second.

"You're being hailed, sir," a technician reported.

"Open hailing frequencies," the captain commanded.

There was a flicker, and then a bad-quality picture appeared on the view screen. It was a man (at least Picard supposed it was a man) wearing a black Nazi helmet. He spoke, and it sounded like an asthmatic attempting to sound menacing. "Good evening, Captain," he rasped.

"Whoever you are," Captain Picard said bravely, "let me inform you that we are on a mission of peace, in the name of the Galactic Republic-"

"The Republic?! To speak of it is treachery! There is only the Galactic Empire!" screeched the helmeted figure. He gasped for breath, wheezing.

"I assure you, I did not mean to offend-"

"The Emperor does not share your optimistic view of the situation, Captain," he said. "Rebellion is punishable by death." The picture flicked off.

"Well, that didn't sound very good," the blond Doctor remarked. The forgotten planet below them exploded in a fireball.

"I agree," the black-vested Doctor said, ignoring it.

"Who the hell are you?" Commander Riker politely enquired.

"The Doctor," the two voiced in unison, while their companions rolled their eyes.

The enemy ship appeared to be retreating. "Who were those people?" Picard asked.

Data's fingers flew over the keys. "Uncertain, sir," he said. Picard was glad to see that he appeared to be back to normal.

Suddenly a large gray globe appeared in the view screen. "Small moon approaching, sir," a technician said.

"That's not a moon," the black-vested Doctor said darkly. "It's a battle station."

There was a sound like a dying garbage truck, a shimmering of lights, a materializing of a blue box, and a voice said, "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Would you like a jelly baby?"

**So what do you think? Should I write more chapters? Or is this brief foray into the Who-verse doomed for failure? Please review!**


	2. Stupid Crossovers

**Finally, another chapter! Don't worry, this fic will be long- and extremely insane. Be afraid, be very afraid. **

**Same disclaimers. Please review.**

Chapter Two: When One Stupid Crossover Just Isn't Enough**  
**

"Okay, now this is totally unacceptable," the Fifth Doctor said. "If you had appeared here, I would have remembered it."

The Fourth Doctor replied, "Well, as my future self," indicating the Ninth Doctor, "will oft say, time is fluid, constantly changing.'"

The Fifth Doctor sighed. "Well, on your own head be it," he said. "If any Reapers show up, _you _will have to deal with them."

Four winked. "Just remember, if I die, you two die too."

"Hey, that ain't fair!" Nine protested.

"What on earth is going on?" Picard asked. "I am an officer of the Galactic republic, and I will be answered-"

"Captain, we're being hailed."

"What, _again? _Open hailing frequencies."

A picture appeared. Everyone stared. After a long pause, Tegan said into the silence, "That's a _really _bad face job."

The visage croaked, "Welcome, Doctor. At the risk of sounding cliched, I've been expecting you."

The Ninth Doctor's face turned hard. "ello, Sidious. Long time no see." He turned to Picard. "I'm thinkin' we should be swanning off about now."

The view screen flickered, and Sidious' horrible face smiled menacingly. "Now, my young Doctor, you will die..."

"Young?" Nine snorted. "Who you callin' young? I'm eight hundred years older than you! At the least!"

Sidious looked mildly annoyed. He coughed. "It matters not, my young apprentice. Now... feel your anger... give in to the dark side... use your anger, feel it, FEEL IT!"

"Well, _that's _stupid," Tegan muttered.

"What did you say?!" Sidious croaked.

"Well, if you want to trick someone into going over to the dark side, why say 'use your anger, give in to the dark side?' Doesn't that guarantee they won't? Just a bit of common sense. Honestly, you're worse than the Master!"

"SHUT UP!" Sidious commanded.

Tegan grinned charmingly. "Too bad," she said. "Not even the Doctor can make me shut up once I get going, I doubt you'll have any better luck. See, I have this problem with just chattering on, and on, and on, and on. I'm just a walking mouth on legs. Nothing seems to cure me- therapy, death threats, almost getting blown up-"

"I order you to be silent!"

Rose smiled. She was starting to like this girl, despite her horrible Australian accent. Beside her, Nine grinned manically, Four chuckled, and Five beamed proudly. Adric and Nyssa scowled.

"Now, that's my problem. Yours, on the other hand, is a face that looks like you ran into a brick wall. What you need is a really good plastic surgeon. I could recommend one-"

"Unless you shut up right now," Sidious said menacingly, "I will destroy this entire ship and all those upon it."

"Please, _please _shut up," Picard pleaded. "It's my ship, you know." He was beginning to feel rather upstaged, and he wanted to remind everyone that _he _was in charge, not some messed-up alien weirdo and his gang of teenage friends.

"Oh, all right," Tegan growled huffily. "If you insist."

_"Thank you," _Picard and Sidious said in unison. The Doctors winked at each other. Rose was beginning to find them rather annoying. One Doctor was enough eccentricity, arrogance, and bad humor for her; three was really getting on her nerves. At least the others didn't seem to have quite the same serving of existential angst that hers had; that would have been quite unbearable. She exchanged a significant glance at Nyssa.

"Now," Picard continued, in a futile attempt to restore some sanity to the situation, "let's just talk about this like civilized human beings, eh?"

"Nice try," Nine chuckled, "but most of us aren't actually human."

Rose started. She stared at Tegan, Nyssa, and Adric, trying to decide which of them was actually a bug-eyed monster in disguise. Then she started again, realizing how stupid this was; after all, the Doctor looked human. Then she started again, realizing that the Doctor could be a bug-eyed alien in disguise. Then she started a fourth time, realizing that she didn't even know if there actually was such a thing as a bug-eyed alien-

This alarming sequence of thoughts was disrupted by Picard swinging his fist around and punching Nine ringingly in the head. The Time Lord dropped like a stone. Picard breathed a sigh of relief. "He was really starting to get on my nerves," he explained.

"Oh, Doctor!" Rose cried, and flung herself on the ground next to the unconscious alien.

Four sighed. Why are my companions always pretty idiots? he thought. Hmm, maybe I'm trying to compensate for something. How disturbing.

"Now," Picard said, "let's discuss this like civilized- um- beings. Let's start with you, Mr. Sidious. What do you want?"

"To take over the Galaxy! Mwah ha ha ha ha!" came the rather disturbing reply.

Picard nodded. "A worthy, if somewhat cliché, goal," he admitted. "So what do you want from us?"

"The Doctor," Sidious explained. "He is one of my most ancient enemies."

"Ha, that's certainly true!" Tegan cracked. "He always lies about his age." She was quieted by a glare from the remaining two Doctors.

"So which one do you want?" Picard asked. "I'm sure we could work out an agreement." Both Doctors loudly protested at this. Picard had the security guards grab them and stuff gags in their mouths, but they went on protesting, if a bit muffled. He ignored them.

"There's more than one?" Sidious asked doubtfully. "I didn't know that. Um, the unconscious one's the one I know."

"Ah, excellent!" Picard said. "Security, take those two," he indicated the fallen Ninth Doctor and the sobbing Rose, "down to the transport room and beam them over as soon as my pal Sidious here gives me the coordinates."

"WHAT?!" the companions cried.

"MMPH?!" the Doctors cried, a few beats afterward.

"Too bad," the captain of the Enterprise informed Rose. "Take them away." The two were led off.

"Well this is a fine pickle you've got me into!" Tegan yelled at Five. "Ya idiot!"

"Mmph mmph," Five said guiltily.

"You _always _do this," Adric whined. He rounded on Four. "And you're no better!"

"Lock the rest of them in the brig," Picard ordered, and the five time-travelers were led away, Four saying something that might have been, "Are you sure don't just want a jelly baby?"


	3. Use The Force, Adric, Use The Force

**Chapter three. Because I have been very bored and have written the next three chapters. So expect updates soon. Please review.  
Oh yeah, and Nine/Rose shippers, please don't get offended. I myself am a Nine/Rose shipper. But the point of this story is to mercilessly parody everything about the show so it's all in good fun, folks. **

Chapter Three: Use The Force, Adric, Use The Force!

_So, our intrepid heroes are in a bit of trouble. But do not fear, they shall prevail! Because they are heroes, after all, and the heroes always win. Of course, a companion or two might die, because they're disposable, but who cares about them, and anyway I can't because I know how they all leave and this is definitely not it. But hey, it's a fanfic! I can do whatever I want! Mwah ha ha!_

_ So, our intrepid heroes are in trouble. The Ninth Doctor is unconscious, he and Rose are about to be transported onto the Death Star, the Fourth and Fifth Doctor are gagged (under extremely loud protest) and they and Nyssa, Tegan, and Adric are currently being locked up in the brig of a ship with an extremely annoyed captain. Whatever will they do?_

"What I don't get," Nyssa said as they were hustled along, "is why an extremely intelligent time traveler always teleports himself into trouble."

"Mmph mmph, mmm mphmph mmm."

"I mean, why not read the history books and go somewhere where nothing happened?"

"Mmphmphmph, mmm mph mmph."

"I mean, I should think even someone with fourteen lives would be a bit more careful."

"Mmph."

"Especially as you keep dying so young. I mean, how many other Gallifreyans on their fifth life are only 950 years old?"

"Mmm mmm mmph MMPH!"

"You know, I think I prefer you gagged."

Whilst this scintillating conversation was going on, Rose and the Ninth Doctor were being dragged to the transport room. Rose was proving to be rather difficult. She insisted on holding the Doctor's hand and weeping, "Oh Doctor, wake up! Oh Doctor, I love you!"

Nine was probably thinking something along the lines of, _"My dear girl, I'm over a thousand and probably have great-grandchildren."_

Or maybe he was thinking, _"Oh Rose! I love you too! From the moment I saw you I knew we were soulmates!"_

You never know, stranger things have happened.

But anyway, everyone was in pretty dire straits when Adric suddenly saw a transparent blue ghost.

It rather shocked him.

"Excuse me, are you a transparent blue ghost or has the pressure finally destroyed my brain?" Adric said in his usual polite manner.

"Of course I'm a ghost, you idiot boy!" said the blue transparent thing. "I'm the First Doctor!"

"Ah," Adric said politely. "Nice to see you."

"Aargh, you idiot!" the ghost cried. "Use the Force, Adric, use the Force!"

"The what?"

"The Force!"

"The what?"

"Oh never mind, just get into the TARDIS when you pass the cargo bay," the ghost of William Hartnell said exasperatedly. "Even this bunch of idiots should be able to manage that." He sulked away.

"Umm, okay," Adric said, puzzled but willing to please.

Therefore, when they passed the cargo bay, Adric hit one of the security guards on the head with his badge for mathematical excellence.

It snapped.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the unfortunate prodigy cried. All the security guards clapped their hands over their ears and backed away, letting the other prisoners drag the shrieking Adric back to the Fifth Doctor's TARDIS and dematerialize.

"Nice décor," Four said as he spit out the gag.

"Too bad," Nyssa said wistfully as Five removed his own gag, "I rather liked you with a rag stuffed in your mouth."

"Now we must go and rescue my other self!" Five proclaimed. "Oh, and that dumb blond too."

Tegan started telling dumb blond jokes as the pillar started to flash blue.


	4. Meanwhile, Back On The Death Star

Chapter Four: Meanwhile, Back On The Death Star...

Meanwhile, back on the Death Star, Darth Sidious was being evil.

He smiled evilly at the viewscreen. He chuckled evilly at his droid servant. He laughed maniacally as Rose and the Ninth Doctor materialized. Just how he got teleporting technology will for now go unexplained. After all, this is a science fiction television show, or at least is based on two of them. Lots of things go unexplained.

Like, for example, the fact that this chapter is only one hundred words long. I'm the all mighty author. I have omnipotent powers. I can leave you all hanging. Ha ha ha.


	5. It's A Bird! It's A Plane!

Chapter Five: It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's A Flying Fifties Police Box! 

As usual, something was wrong with the TARDIS.

"You know, Doctor, I'm finding it hard to believe you passed your flying tests," Tegan grumbled. The Fourth Doctor and Nyssa were looking at the viewscreen and Adric was sulking in a corner, crying over his broken badge, so Tegan was indulging in her traditional sport of annoying the Fifth Doctor.

"I did! Flying colors! Toast of the Academy! Scout's honor!"

"So how come this thing keeps breaking down?"

"Well," Five said guiltily, "she's really in prime condition for her age."

_ "For her age?! What's that supposed to mean?!"_

"Well, this seems to be my ninth incarnation's TARDIS," he explained, "and you see, the things aren't really supposed to last for more than five hundred years..."

"And just how long have you had it?"

"Well..." he said, "I got her about six centuries ago, which would be nine centuries for this version of the old girl..."

"Four hundred years after it was supposed to be scrapped," Tegan said accusingly. Five stroked his beloved vehicle protectively.

"Well actually," he said even more guiltily, "I'm not sure how old she is. You see, I didn't exactly buy the TARDIS."

"You stole it," she said. It was not a question.

"Umm, yes..."

"Oh god," she said. "I've been traveling with a galactic criminal."

"Well I wouldn't exactly call it..."

"You can resume your argument later," Four announced, "for we have arrived."

"Ah, excellent!" Five cried, snatching up his cricket hat which had fallen off. "Let us go and rescue our erstwhile companions! Come on, Adric, Tegan, Nyssa! Let us proceed!"

Adric didn't look up. He was clutching the pieces of his badge with an expression of utmost despair and whimpering. Tegan made a face at the arrogant Time Lord. Nyssa rolled her eyes. And the Fourth Doctor said sharply, "My dear boy,_ I_ think I should be the one to lead, don't you?"

"Oh no, my dear fellow," Five countered. "I am the elder, and the more experienced." They started arguing this point. Tegan gave up and flounced out the TARDIS door, followed by a reluctant Nyssa.

"Where are we going?" Nyssa asked plaintively, looking about. They appeared to be on the inside of a rather gloomy and dismal spaceship.

"Somewhere else," Tegan explained briefly, and set off, leaving the Doctors to argue. After all, she reasoned, that was what they did best. They might as well do it when she wasn't around.

The Doctors didn't notice them leaving. They were so into the argument they wouldn't have noticed a Dalek if it had walked into the TARDIS screaming "Exterminate". All Time Lords are talkative, but the Doctor leaves the others in the dust.

Meanwhile, the Ninth Doctor woke up with a pounding headache. It felt like a Golgabang slug of the planet Froodoo was crawling in his ear and bouncing on his brain. He suddenly realized his eyes were closed and opened them a crack. The headache got worse so he closed them again.

He also became aware of a snuffling noise, and opened his eyes again, catching a glimpse of something bright pink. _Ah, Rose,_ he thought. He debated saying something, but his throat felt far too slimy. _Goodness me, I believe I've had an allergic reaction to a transmat beam._ How interesting. Then he realized he was thinking like Five and choked in horror. He coughed quietly for a bit, then sat up. Instantly he was treated to an array of pretty colored lights with a side serving of extreme dizzyness. He opened his eyes.

"Doctor! You're awake!" Rose said breathlessly. She hugged him. He pushed her away absentmindedly and rubbed his eyes until they worked, somewhat. He could see big patches of varying shades of gray and a pink blob which was probably Rose Tyler. Hopefully it wasn't actually a Pink Rhino Lizard From Planet Zeta.

"Where the hell are we?" he asked.

"Um, I'm not sure," she said, her voice full of concern. "Are you sure you're all right? I mean, I was so worried when he hit you and you just collapsed, I mean, I don't know about your phisiology, I mean you're an alien, and when we got transported you seemed to have an allergic reaction, and I checked your pulse and do you know you've got two hearts?"

"Yes I did, thank you," Nine said sarcastically. "Hard thing to miss. Now can you please tell me where we are? My eyes aren't working too well."

"Oh well we seem to be on some sort of spaceship. I mean I'm not an expert or anything. It's not as fancy as the TARDIS, though. Just boring gray metal. We're in some sort of cell. That guy with the bad face job got these guys in white plastic to throw us in here."  
"Fantastic!"

"I _knew_ you were going to say that."

Meanwhile, Darth Sidious was, as always, being evil. Some people might call it mere petty cruelty, but he knew all he did was pure evil. It had to be. He was the chairman of the Evil Dictators and Tyrants Club.

"I don't like your face," he told one of the droids, and Sith-lightning electrocuted it. "Ha ha ha," he chuckled to himself, "that was always my signature move. Go clean that up," he snapped to his remaining robot servants, gesturing at the smoking heap of metal.

Just then Darth Vader walked in. Due to the fact that he was a walking metal scrap heap, he clanked as he moved, and, in some cases, creaked. "My lord," he said, bowing. Sidious frowned. He could never be sure, but he had a suspicion that Vader was always laughing at him behind that stupid black mask. Unfortunately, Sith apprentices were hard to come by, so for now he couldn't afford to electrocute the former Jedi. Plus, there was always a chance Vader would Force-strangle him back. Like all Sith Lords (at least, all good ones) he too had his own signature move.

"Yes, Vader? What is it?" Sidious snapped irritably.

"We have detected intruders on Level Five." He aimed his universal remote at the bank of monitors and enlarged one video image. Two humanoid females were proceeding down a hallway. One was wearing the traditional puffed-sleeve garb of aristocratic Trakken, the other some disgustingly tasteless assemblage that neither Sith Lord could identify. The second female was boldly striding along, hoisting a rather oversized laser gun, while the first was attempting to creep, staring nervously at the security cameras.

"Hmm. How very interesting," Sidious hissed. Then again, he always hissed (it was part of his public image) so that wasn't very unusual. "If I'm not mistaken, those two were on board that ship with the Doctor and his pet Mary-Sue."

"Indeed, my Lord."


	6. The Unnamed Chapter

**Hooray! I have finally worked out how to use page breaks!**

Chapter Six: The Unnamed Chapter, also known as The Chapter Where I Couldn't Think Of A Name, also known as The Chapter With All The Dialogue, also known as Yet Another Stupid Chapter

* * *

"Doctor, what are you doing?""Unlocking this door with the sonic screwdriver, Rose." 

"Sonic screwdriver? Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, ooo, this could be a little more sonic?"

"Me."

"What, no explanation?"

"I'm a little busy at the moment, so if you don't mind please _shut it_."

"I want you to know that I was very hurt by that comment."

"Too bad."

* * *

Meanwhile, Four and Five were still arguing away. "Actually, my boy, I am in fact four hundred years old, whereas you are a mere two months. A baby." 

"But if the whole is the sum of the parts, my dear fellow, I, as our most recent regeneration, are at least seven centuries old."

"Hah! I'm older than the rest of you buggers put together! Obviously I am the senior one."

"I am acting President of Gallifrey, I'll have you know!"

"You are not, you arrogant whelp! Romana- er, Fred- is the President!"

"Why you persist in calling her by that idiotic nickname is beyond me. I am your future, and I tell you Romanadvora-whatsis is no longer President."

"Hah! You can't even remember her name?"

"Can you?"

"I call her Fred, what do you think?"

"That you're a childish moron."

"I like being childish, what's wrong with being childish?"

"Ugh, you're not supposed to say that! That's Three's line, you know that!"

"By the Gods, I hope he doesn't decide to turn up."

"Three's not the one I'm worried about, my good chap. Think of our second regeneration."

They shuddered in unison.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tegan and Nyssa were boldly/cautiously proceeding, each to her own. 

"Tegan?"

"Yes?"

"What are we going to do when we get to wherever the Ninth Doctor is?"

"Umm... shoot everything?"

"Do you even know how to use that gun?"

"Of course I do!"

They proceeded in silence for a while. Then,

"Tegan?"

"Yes?"

"How do we know where the Doctor is?"

"Just trust me."

"That's going to be hard."

"Oh shut up."

"I knew I should have stayed in the TARDIS."

"Oh come on! You always stay in the TARDIS!"

"I haven't died yet, have I?"

"No one's died yet, except for the Doctor, and that's just 'cause he's stupid and way too heroic."

"You can say that again."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Sith Lords were fiendishly formulating a suitably fiendish plan. 

"I want to torture somebody."

"Oh all right, Vader. If you must. But really, we've got to plan this carefully. I've got a reputation to preserve, you know."

"Mwah ha ha snort snort."

"Vader?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Stop laughing like that. It's really getting on my nerves."

"Aww, Master..."

"My word is final, Vader. Now shut up. Oh, but before you do, answer a question."

"What, Master?"

"How come you've got more rabid fangirls than me?"

"I guess I'm just hotter than you, Master."

"I don't understand it. I mean, it's not like you're handsomer than me or something."

"Girls go for a guy in a mask, Master."

"What, really?"

"Yes, Master. So I have been given to understand."

"Indeed."

"Yes, Master."

"Now shut up, Vader."

"Y- sorry, Master."

* * *

_Meanwhile, the Enterprise had entered 'warp' speed._

_ "I'm glad we're well out of that mess, Riker."_

_ "Indeed, Captain."_

_ "Where to next?"_

_ "Alpha Centauri, Captain?"_

_ "My God, no. The restaurants are absolutely disgusting there. No sense of fine cuisine at all."_

_ "Yes, Captain. Betelgeuse, then?"_

_ "Make it so, Riker."_

_ "Indeed, Captain."_

* * *

Meanwhile, on a fast approaching menacing fleet: 

"Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Exterminate! Exterminate! ...Man, these lines suck."

"Tell me about it... Exterminate!"


	7. Tegan Goes Berserk

**Finally, an update! This one took me awhile, probably because I was busy on other things. I still think this could be better, but... oh, what the hell.**

After a while, reflected Rose, one could get rather tired of dashing down spaceship corridors with bloodthirsty aliens chasing one. Not the Doctor, of course. As far as she could gather, the Time Lord had been doing it for almost an entire millenium and took the same childish delight in nearly getting fried every single time.

"Doctor, why don't we ever go somewhere peaceful?"

"What fun would that be?"

"Doctor, your definition of 'fun' does not appear to be the same as most other sentient beings."

The Doctor stared at her whilst running down the corridor. "Rose, did you actually use the word 'sentient'?"

"An' what if I did?"

"It has three syllables, Rose. That has got to be the most complex word I have ever heard you say."

"Are you implyin' somethin'?"

"Yeah, your vocabulary matches your taste in music- owww!

* * *

Tegan, Nyssa decided, was insane. This wasn't a very original thought, she knew. It was practically part of the criterion for traveling with the Doctor. After all, who in their right mind would want to go haring off with a crazy time-traveling alien with a questionable taste in clothing?

Me, she told herself firmly. I at least am not insane. At least I don't think I am...

But Tegan certainly was. No sane person would run down hostile alien corridors screaming, "Eat cold steel, alien scum!" and randomly blasting parts of the wall with a gun bigger than their arm. Although, perhaps humans were different... after all, they were descended from apes. What kind of cultured, logical species descended from apes?

"Yaaah!" Tegan shrieked. "Y'wanna piece of me?!"

Nyssa closed her eyes in embarrassment.

So that's why she didn't see the security officers until they grabbed her and pinned her arms behind her back.

* * *

Adric looked up, red-eyed, from the remains of his badge, to where the Doctors were still arguing.

"What's with that idiotic scarf, anyway?"

"You're a fine one to talk! Cricketer's outfit, with, of all things, celery!"

"I'm telling you, I'm allergic to certain gases in the praxis range!"

"Pathetic."

"You're calling me pathetic? I'm not the one with a hopeless crush on-"

"Shut up!"

The Doctors shut up as ordered. Adric did not look very happy.

"They... shall... pay," he hissed. "Revenge! No one breaks my badge and gets away with it!"

"Ummm... Adric? Are you feeling all right?" Five asked nervously. "Perhaps you'd like a nice cup of tea?"

"They shall pay. Revenge. Mwah ha ha ha ha!!!!!"

"Five exclamation marks," Four whispered in horror. "We're in trouble now."

Adric leapt to his feet and grabbed the Ninth Doctor's hammer from on top of the console. He laughed very disturbingly as he pulled levers and twisted knobs, hitting the console to a wild beat. The familiar groaning sound filled the air, and the TARDIS lurched, flinging the Doctors against the wall, where they grabbed onto wall fixtures for dear life. "What now?" Five asked in despair.

"No idea, my boy, no idea. But then, do I ever?"

* * *

Darth Sidious and Darth Vader watched on the monitors as Tegan bashed several security officers over the head with her gun. On another screen, Rose and the Doctor frantically raced down chrome corridors with plasticcy Storm Troopers in hot pursuit. Vader clapped. "This is better than the movies!" he exclaimed.

"Indeed," Sidious replied, offering him a large paper bag. "Have some popcorn."

* * *

They had finally reached the end of the seemingly infinite corridor. The Doctor was holding the sonic screwdriver to the door. "Could you please hurry up?" Rose hissed, with an anxious glance behind her at the pursuing Storm Troopers.

"Never rush an artist, Rose," he said wisely as the door sparked and the lock exploded, showering them with blobs of hot metal. "Come on!"

They raced through the door, and stopped as they found themselves face to helmet with another group of Troopers. These, however, were not as well off as the ones in hot pursuit. Their helmets had several dents in them and they were swaying as if drunk.

"Mad... woman... with... gun... and... no... fashion... sense..." one of them moaned, collapsing.

"Tegan!" the Doctor said with his trademark mad grin, and they were running down yet another corridor.

"Doctor, how do you know it's Tegan?" Rose asked, panting.

"Trust me," he replied. "It's Tegan."

They arrived at another door, but this time it opened to an erratic laser field blinking on and off. Beyond it was a stunned Nyssa cowering behind an enraged Tegan who was single-handedly holding off a platoon of imperial paratroopers. Her eyes had turned red.

"Help us!" cried Nyssa.

The laser field blinked on and off.

"I've got to time this perfectly," the Doctor said.

"Hold on a second..." Rose said. "How did those bashed-up soldiers get through?..."

It was too late. The Doctor had ducked through the laser field with his super-reflexes. "No, Doctor!" Rose called superfluously. "Don't leave me!"

"I'm sorry, sweet Rosebud, I have to!"

"A little help, here?!!" shrieked Nyssa, holding off the enemy soldiers with the sole strength of her Evil Eye.

"Ah, right, sorry," he muttered, leaping into the fray, stunning the enemy with his trusty sonic screwdriver and super psychic powers. They quickly beat back the enemy with their heroic strength and Tegan's berserk madness. And just when they triumphantly threw catcalls after the retreating troopers, they heard the welcome sound the the TARDIS materializing. Adric stepped out, eyes glowing in rage.

"THEY SHALL PAY!" he snarled in fury.

"Hold on old fellow, no need to get so worked up," Nine said calmly. "Here, give me your badge."

After some cajoling he was able to wrest it from the youth's clenched fingers. He held the two pieces together, flicked the setting on his trusty sonic screwdriver, and voila! good as new.

Adric started hyperventilating, then collapsed in shock.

"Poor fellow," Five observed as Nine and Four manhandled him into the timeship.

Suddenly a chilly voice blared through the speaker system. "YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET AWAY SO EASILY, DO YOU?"

"Well, yes, actually, we do," Nine replied bravely.

The disembodied voice huffed in annoyance. "WELL YOU ARE GRAVELY MISTAKEN. AND SOON YOU SHALL MEET YOUR DOOM! MWAH HA HA HA HA!"

"Are you related to the Master or something?" Tegan asked. "You've got the same corny lines."

"WHAT IS THIS MASTER YOU SPEAK OF? THERE IS NO MASTER BUT I, LORD SIDIOUS, EMPEROR OF THE... er...EMPIRE!"

"Come on, let's go," Nine suggested, and they all piled into the TARDIS, which, Nine realized with relief, was his own version, complete with personal interior decorating. She was a bit annoyed at having to deal with so many Doctors (who wouldn't be?) but seemed to be coping fine. He set the coordinates for Earth and started dematerialization.

"I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO LEAVE MY PRESENCE!" Sidious shrieked. Then said in a much more normal voice, "oh, bantha fodder."


	8. Yoda the Evil Green Muppet

**Another chapter. Sorry this one took a while. Bit shorter than usual, but don't worry, the next one will have plenty of action!**

Chapter Eight: Yoda The Evil Green Muppet

"Master," Obi-wan cried, running into the room in a state of panic, "I have dire news!"

"What dire news is this, young Padawan?" Qui-gon Jinn asked calmly.

"I have discovered Yoda's evil plan to take over the Galaxy!" Obi-wan said, distraught.

"That does sound rather dire," Qui-gon agreed. "However, I can't attend to it right now; I'm going out for lunch with Tahl."

* * *

On the other side of the galaxy...

"Well, I'm very glad all that rubbish is over," Five sighed, relieved.

"Not quite over just yet," Nine reminded him. "We still have to get back you and Four's TARDISes."

"Wait a sec," Rose said, her faces scrunched up in thought, "hang on, hang on... if you were them once, can't you just remember what we did next?"

"No," he said.

"Why not?"

"Because we're part of events now."

She nodded, glumly. "Thought it would be something like that." A moment later her head jerked back up. "Wait, what the hell does that even mean?"

"No idea," said the Doctor cheerfully, doing something unspecified to the console. "We have a bit of a problem, other mes, because I can't set the coordinates to materialize onto a ship, since it's constantly moving."

"Wait," said Rose again, "then how did you get us onto Platform Seven?"

Nine ignored her.

"Well, seems like we're stuck for the moment," Four said cheerfully. "Hopefully there won't be any ALMIGHTY PARADOXES resulting from this."

"What?" Rose asked.

"Big Time-Lord eating bat creatures?" Nine reminded her. "Something to be avoided."

"I wouldn't worry about it, though," Five said. "We do this all the time and nothing bad ever happens."

Four frowned. "Yes, just what _was _all that business with the Game of Rassilon, anyway, Five? And why wasn't I invited?"

"It wasn't a _party!_" Five exclaimed. "I was almost killed by Cybermen! All four of me!"

"This is an extremely confusing conversation," Tegan observed. Her eyes had turned back to their natural color, and she now resembled an Australian Air Hostess more than a berserk lunatic, which was good. "Where are we going next?"

"Well," Four mused, "I left Romana wandering through a jungle on Dentrax Four... why don't we go and get her? It's always fun having Fred around."

"We get to see Lady Romana again?" Adric asked excitedly.

"How about, no?" Nine asked abruptly. "I... ah..."

"Has our future self had a bit of a tiff with Romana?" Four asked archly.

"You could say that," Nine said, grimacing.

"Why don't we go somewhere nice?" Rose asked. "Somewhere with shopping."

Nine grinned, cheered up. "Yes, I know just the place! Coruscant!"

"NO, YOU FOOL!" the other Doctors yelled at him, but it was too late. The time machine had started its annoying grinding noise. They were dematerializing.

* * *

"I'm really starting to get sick of this jungle, K-9," Romana said, sighing.

"Well, it's not my fault, is it, Mistress? I'm sure if I still had my knowledge of tennis- whatever that is- I could get us out of here in a jiffy. But _no, someone _had to erase my memory banks!"

"Oh, not the tennis again, K-9! Just forget about it, all right?"

"Whirr... whirr... erasing memory..."

"Ooops."

**Review and I'll post sooner! Yes, I'm talking to _you! _**


	9. Vacation Time!

**Aha! This fic is not yet dead! It will survive yet! **

* * *

Chaper Nine: Let's Vacation on Arrakis, It'll Be Fun

Five was annoyed.

It had been a very long day. They had landed on Coruscant, and all the companions had immediately disappeared to go 'shopping'. Then the Doctors had had to put down a rebellion led by an evil green muppet called, 'Yoda'. Then they'd all ended up in a bar.

He wasn't quite sure what had happened after that, except that he seemed to have ended up on a desert-like planet with only Tegan for company. Tegan was, thankfully, still unconscious. There was no sign of anything on the horizon, just endless sand. He was coming to the conclusion that the others must have dumped them here as part of some obscure prank.

Or maybe the TARDIS was playing matchmaker again. He remembered when it had abandoned him and Romana on a beautiful planet covered in pink flowers. He'd never quite gotten over the embarrassment.

But... Tegan?

He groaned and sat up. He had the mother of all hangovers. I really shouldn't have drunk so much ginger beer, he thought.

Tegan moaned. Her eyelids fluttered. Five covered his ears in anticipation of a stream of expletives. He was not disappointed.

"Wait," the Doctor said, frowning. "Did you just curse in Betraxian?"

Tegan glared at him, "You bloody idiot, of course not! I don't speak Be-whatsis!" she yelled in perfect Betraxian, with just a hint of a Pole dialect.

Fortunatlely, Five did not have much time to ponder this new development before he heard a loud, indescribable noise, and found himself in a large shadow.

He turned around, and looked up.

The spice worm looked back.

"Ah, hells," he said quietly. "We're on Arrakkis."

* * *

**I may update soon, as I have more ideas. Or not. Whatever. Enjoy the weirdness.  
**

**Reviews welcome but not required. **


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